Acceptance.

"Ask not that events should happen as you will, but let your will be
that events should happen as they do, and you shall have peace." ~ Epictetus

finding a little slice of peace through the acceptance of situations and through the acceptance of myself.....

my house will not always be clean
i am divorced
Bugz might be my one and only baby
i don't know if i will ever find love again
as a single mama, i am not always able to give 100% of myself to brody
i have a beautifully supportive and amazing family
sometimes i lose my patience
i am going to be 33 this year
i cannot please everyone
sometimes i will say the wrong thing
it's okay to say no
i am the best mama that i can be
i am lucky to be a mama
i might not always call you back
i need my quiet space
sometimes i get lonely
i won't post here as often as i would like :)
i work hard and am able to provide for my family
I have patient friends who have given me the space and time to get to this place today.
i have experienced love.
i have one incredibly smart and absolutely amazing beautiful son.
my heart is full.......

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
~Joseph Campbell

and so i begin the journey of shedding the old skin......

I know, I know, it's time to start posting again! Unfortunately it is not going to be as often as I would like but be patient with me :)
First things first, I guess I should mentiong that I believe my cricket problem is no longer a problem.... Yay for me!!!! And YES, I have showered :) Yay for you!!!
I thought I might just share some pics of what has been going on the past several months....






Some how my little baby boy turned three years old! How in the world did this happen? He enjoyed seeing all his friends and cousins at his birthday celebrations. (thank you's are on their way: ;) Momma took him to build-a-bear for a special treat.... who knew he would pick an owl. So brody now has a very stylish owl named "skreech" (thanks to auntie mimi) who has a pair of sketchers just like brody!!!!
We also got to celebrate a new edition to the family with Cassie and Kyle's wedding in beautiful Colorado. Brody experienced hail for the first time and attempted to lick it off the deck where we were staying.... poor little arizonian.
Brodes has been visiting grandpa and grandma Rauch quite a bit and is now a little pro at riding a big horsie. He loves to see all the animals out there on the ranch as well as to drive the tractor around like a big boy.

BABY SEASON....

Sooo, as I am out and about these days I can't help but notice all the little babies that surround me. I have never really noticed this time of year when all the animals around us share the love and bring more little animals into this world. I love it!
The little baby ducks following thier momma and daddy around the lake at the park, baby turtles swimmin around at the entrance of the zoo, I even loved the tiny baby lizard that I watched run across my back porch this evening.
What I AM NOT loving is the millions of baby crickets that creep up my shower drain each night to put up camp!!!! Ummm excuse me baby crickets don't you realize that I do not need any more excuses from taking a shower?????? I love babies, I love animals, I even love some insects (well maybe not so much) BUT I don't like sharing my shower with them. Especially when they come in massive numbers. I could just picture myself getting brave enough to step into the shower and then being carried off like the princess in Desperoux. Yikes!
I'm not big on killing the little guys especially since they are just babies but I sure the heck am not going to scoop each one up into a cup and toss em out into the yard so that they can crawl back up my drain. So kill them it is.... the only problem is....bug spray doesn't seem to be stopping them. They just keep coming, even though they can surely see what it has done to their brothers and sisters. Watering them back down the drain doesn't seem to be stopping them either despite crickets not being waterbugs. Soooo it's official- I will no longer be taking showers. :) Consider this a fair warning.

GROUNDED.....

This word has such a different meaning as an adult vs back when I was a teenager

(yes I did get grounded occasionally) :)

When I think about where I am at these days, this word sneaks into my thoughts...

Feeling in a good place.

Feeling good about who I am

feeling good about where I am headed.

Feeling more confident and HEALTHY!

Feeling at peace

feeling calm

my body is no longer so completely exhausted from fighting so hard to stay above water.

My breathing has gone from quick survival breathes to deep relaxed breathes- ahhh

my mind is slowing from a race to a brisk walk- I am actually remember things :)

Food tastes good again- hence the weight gain :)

I am taking better care of myself

(have a long way to go but... baby steps....)

feeling happier

letting go.......

sinking those feet deep into the sand.

feeling.....

GROUNDED!

WE REMEMBER........

TO A DEAR FRIEND

JEREMY FRESQUES

WHO WE LOST ON MEMORIAL DAY IN 2005

YOU ARE MISSED SO VERY MUCH!!!!!!

TO YOU AND ALL THE OTHER FALLEN HEROS,

THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE TO THIS COUNTRY

YOU WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN...

THE GANG....

Every so often when Ang comes into town we are ALL able to get together for some good times!!

THANKS LADIES....

for the good conversation,

for the laughter,

for the companionship,

and most importantly
for the cherished friendship!!!!

Wardrobe Malfunction.....

My little stinker is quite the fashionista these days

he is going through a very difficult phase.......

his pants need to come down to his ankles,

his arms need to "hide" in long sleeves,

shoelaces CANNOT be touching the ankles and

the tips of the laces need to be securely tucked in....

he has to have shoes on 24 hours in the day- yes he does where them to bed,

momma NEEDS to be wearing shoes,

if there are ANY strings hanging off anything we are in big trouble,

most importantly,

brodes has to have an outfit on that matches whoever he is with- he can pull off one of Journeys dresses quite well :)

he constantly wants to wear jammies- and switch to a new pair of jammies every ten minutes.... this one is particularly fun when he has his "skateshoes" on and laces tucked in for the 100th time :)

Recently he has added a deep passion for hats .....

oh, and did I mention scarves....

he convinced little wy that he needed a hat and scarf on as well....


this night was a blast- Brody was adamant that he wanted to wear his shoes, his goggles, AND his hat to bed.

and he REALLY does love all of JoJo's beautiful pants.... these ones in particular :)

LOVE

Today I am thankful for the unconditional love of family!
The love that encourages us to step up and support when needed,
to help out in the little ways that make the biggest difference AND
in the big ways that mean sooooo incredibly much,
to just BE there in any way possible,
to pick up the pieces if necessary,
to say "everything is going to be okay"
to lend the ear
and the shoulder!
Sometimes it is the difficult or scary times that remind us how incredibly blessed we are to have such amazing support around us.
I love you dear family and I am so very grateful for each and everyone of you.

30.... Bring It On!!!!!

I really didn't know how I would feel about turning the big 3-0....
the more I reflect on it the more I feel excited about it!
I am 30 years old and gosh darn it, It feels good!!!!!!!
(so far) :)

I have learned so incredibly much through the past 30 years of life that I have been blessed with.

I want to say that I have grown more than ever over these past several years but I realize it has really been a whole different kind of growing!

I feel really good about the place I am finding within.
I feel happy about who I am and what I am learning about myself.
Life is not perfect but its perfectly imperfect.

I feel more at peace than I have in a long time.
I feel that I am FINALLY learning to "let things go" whatever those things might be.

I am letting go of being so resentful, of being so angry, of being so sad and hurt and frustrated. I am letting go of feeling betrayed and I am letting go of blame!!!!
I am letting go of being sooooo tired
tired of life
tired of responsibilities
tired of being a single mom
tired of feeling like a victim
tired of being in pain
tired of everything!!!!!

I am learning how to forgive......

and with that, I am learning acceptance!
Acceptance of circumstances beyond my control and beyond others control
acceptance of the many ups and downs of life
acceptance of the unknown

I am learning that life is really rotten and unfair and hurtful sometimes but that it is through these struggles that we grow the most and learn the most about ourselves.

I am learning that all of these things take time and that some days are going to be really good and some days are going to be really bad. I know that all of these feelings are going to try to creep back into my heart and that I will continue to work through this.

Most importantly, I have learned that all of this is okay
that I am okay!

I have one chance at life and my arms are wide open!!!!!!

So bring it on 30's
I am ready for the roller coaster.....
(I think) :)
what better day to celebrate CHANGE!!!!!!

AND
since this day really has never been all about me...
Happy Birthday my dear twin sis.
You are so many wonderful things,
devoted wife
dedicated momma
compassionate friend
beautiful woman
tender soul
I can never thank you enough for all that you bring to my life
Thank you for ALWAYS being there for me
for your loyalty and for your support
I love you so much!
Soooooo
Happy 30 you old hag :) :)
(that is for the comment on mom's blog)

Vacation At Last......

Brody saw the ocean for the very first time on our trip to Cali!!!!
He was so excited to see what it was all about and loved running away from the water as it crept up the beach.
It was so neat to watch him explore and take it all in....

He also got to experience Sea World!!!!

He saw all kinds of fun new creatures and even fed some fishies to the seals
AND met Shamu for the first time as well :)
Wow, was that an experience or what?

The cousins had soooo much fun waking up with each other each morning and enjoying that refreshing sea air. I think the highlight for Brody was the garbage man that drove right by our hotel one morning :)

We all had such an amazing time. For some reason being at the beach this time was just so much more refreshing than I have ever remembered. I really didn't want to leave it. There is just something so magical about walking along a board walk in the evening and listening to the waves crash against the water.... ahhhh!

Thank you family!!!!

PS.... Jessie got some GREAT pics if Brody at the beach
check out her photogblog

Catching Up

Brody received his very first award after completing a session of soccer tots....
he had a good time (dependent on his mood) but made such great progress from beginning to end with following directions and listening to "coach." It was so fun to be a part of this experience with little brodikens.
oh and yes his new hair do... (that sometimes gets done, and most the time does not :)

We drove to a pumpkin patch out on Ironwood and "who knows what", brody got to pick out his very own little pumkin. We got home to aunt B's house and this is Brody showing off the pumkin he picked out....

My little artist...... Brody's first attempt at finger painting....
Pretty good if I say so myself :) (thanks debbie)

Ohhhh and how could I resist posting this adorable picture of brodes..... he looks like a little turtle (like auntie Liz always called him since he was a babe :) )
Such a big little man he is becoming!
And such joy he fills me with!
My little boy showing momma his teeth. How precious does it get.... really????

I'LL BE TWO!!!!

My baby boy is two years old! Wow, how times fly....
It seems like just yesterday that I was lying on the couch with little brody asleep on my belly. Just watching his little face so angelic and innocent.

Now he is a walking talking little stinker who rarely settles down enough to fall asleep on his momma's tummy. It makes me so sad to think of how fast these two years have gone by, but it has been sooo much fun watching Brody grow. It seems that he has just sprouted into this wonderful little being who amazes me everyday with everything he has to share.....

From his tender little heart that has so much concern for everyone around him,
Just today he tells me, "don't worry momma." As we were taking a walk tonight he tells Auntie B to walk on the sidewalk because the cars will give her big owies. While I was at work he tells Nonnie "don't cry", and as I am pointing out the crickets on our walk he dramatically adds "don't touch momma." My little sweetie bug. Such a small little being to carry such great amounts of genuine and innocent concern. I think he takes after his auntie b... maybe his mantra will be "don't worry be happy" too!

And then there is his excitement about life....
The joy he gets from the sound of the garbage man and the ice cream truck! "I do, I do momma," he tells me when I ask him if he wants to go for a walk or to the park. I'm not sure I know too many people who get as excited as Brody does to see scorpions and grasshoppers, flies and ants, airplanes and helicopters, motorcycles and buses, and now (thanks to Asher) praying mantis and crickets :)

and his many special little ways...
the strangely happy smile he gets on his face when he is pretending to be a dinosaur, when he very rarely tells me "I love you so much momma," the way he grabs onto the corner of the pillow when he goes to sleep, his little dance moves and how excited he gets when "The wheels on the Bus" song comes on. How incredibly smart he is and how everyday he surprises me with the words he knows.

Broders you are such an incredible spirit. You have brought so much joy into my world and I learn from you each and every day. You entered this world with so much sensitivity and caution. Today you are a such a caring little guy with the confidence to push yourself to do something exciting but still that little bit of caution to make sure you are gonna be okay. I love you my dearest little boy. You are a true blessing.....

Happy Happy Day!!!!!

Happy Birthday little
Wyatt Bear
Nugget
Beef Toad...
You are such a happy ray of sunshine
I love to watch your little bowlegged run,
your big grin with those two front teeth
your beautiful bright blue eyes
and your loving little spirit.

We love you so very much
and are so very blessed to have such a
special little nephew/cousin.

Happy Number One Baby Boy!!!!

Some Faves...

My sis does an amazing job at photography!!!! She took some pics of Brody and I a little while ago and I got a little sneak peek on her photography blog. I have been anxiously awaiting the CD and when I got it this past weekend, I loved what I saw!
Besides some of the ones she already posted on her blog,
here are some of my most favorites....

Thanks for the fun morning Jess.
I am so very blessed to have you in my life
and so very grateful for these moments you have captured :)
Love you!

Camping

Brody was in his ELEMENT out in the woods this camping trip!
He loved waking up in his "house", chasing butterflies and grasshoppers, walks through nature, rides in papa's truck, and of course catching "cardads" (crawdads)!

Some of the highlights captured....

Playing in the rain in his "hopper" rainjacket.

learning to swing the bat at the ball

(look at that grip)

my beautiful little boy...

and of course he LOVED walking bubba

best of all, being with family!!!

Who you are speaks so loudly I can't hear what you're saying.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

WOW!!!!
This quote speaks volumes and I feel it deep within me....

I heard this the other day on a video we were reviewing to show at a training for our foster parents. It really reminded me that I can teach Brody so many things through my words but I need to be so much more cognitive about what I am teach him through my actions.
A little scary :)
So many times I have ideas about who I would like to be. I can talk all I want about that person, but at the end of the day I can only hope that my actions have represented THAT person...
Especially when this little guy is at stake :)

I am from...

My Mom did this a while back and I absolutely loved it. So now I am finally making the time to do it too. I would love to hear some of yours...

Here's the template if your up for it :)

It's harder than I thought it would be, but so much fun!

I am from...

I am from a cul-de-sac, from BMX bikes and riding down steep hills barefoot on skateboards.

I am from 1511 Sacaton Dr., dirt roads, dead ends, orange soda handed out by Joe.

I am from the honey suckle bush, roses, potato bugs, the green grass, dandelions and tumble weeds.

I am from playing board games and unconditional love, from Juanita Pearl and Turgesen and Grove.

I am from the warm sunshine spilling into the living room and beautiful relaxing music floating through the air.

From “finish what you started” and “be kind to others.”

I am from Wednesday night meeting and Sunday Morning Church. Potlucks on Sundays, getting treats on the long drives home, peaceful hymns, convention in tents, making whistles out of river grass.

I’m from Arizona and Norway, spaghetti and Sunday roast.

From the father of honesty and gentleness, who can make anything out of wood, enjoys sailing, golfing and reading, “life is good” from a mother of great unselfishness and a protective nature, who loves the beach, decorating and music, from four beautiful sisters who share childhood memories, laughter and tears and who support each other through everything.

I am from Holbrook and Farmington, family reunions in the woods and at the beach, college days in Flagstaff, road trips with best friends. From my parents playing the guitar and singing, being a twin and the three little ones, evening back rubs, “I’m a little tea pot”, bear traps, murder in the dark the old fashion way and British Bull dogs.

I haven't been able to take many pictures of Brodes lately because my camera is broken :(
I took these with Britt's camera the other day and thought I would share.
Brody is settling right in at Auntie B and Uncle Cory's house.
He wakes up asking for "baby" and "aunt b"
and loves to have Uncle Cory take him out back to play with the doggies.
I am truly blessed to have my sis and brother-in-law open their home to us and help us to feel so welcome.

Brody at his FINEST!!!!

Broders LOVES shoes....
He came out of Auntie B's bedroom wearing these shoes
and we couldn't resist capturing this image. (while we were laughing in hysterics)
He is holding up pictures of Mater and lightening Mcqueen
that Auntie had torn out of some "car" wrapping paper for Brody.
He is quite the little man. :)